Our empty nest was abrupt. Welcoming our babies in rapid succession (3 sons in 4 ½ years to be exact) meant we also had a rapid evacuation, each one leaving for active duty military service soon after high school graduation. We went from the beautiful chaos of high school youth group events, basketball games, baseball games, hockey games, soccer games, show choir competitions, musicals, sleepovers, homecomings, proms, family vacations, family movie nights, and family dinners…to a lot of silence.
Now, it’s presumed that this shift to silence after raising kids is a sad thing, causing our mom-hearts to grieve. Still – and hopefully I’m not alone in feeling this way – I’m not really the kind to grieve over silence. I like it. I mean, I had so much fun raising our kids and they continue to be my world, but I adore quiet mornings with my husband, knowing that the only thing on the calendar is watching reruns of Blue Bloods. And seeing our boys chase God’s purpose to become independent men overwhelms my heart with joy.
During the five years after our last son flew the coup, our physical lives were really quiet. (Emotionally, we had the noise of deployments, engagements, weddings, and grandbabies…but those are stories for another post.) We spent our vacation time traveling among the various states where our kids were stationed – Texas, Florida, Missouri, Georgia, South Dakota, Arkansas, and even Alaska – and enjoyed being in their homes and reconnecting. Still, the majority of our days were spent at home in Iowa…just the two of us. Uneventful.
Fast forward to 2018. This was the beginning of the rapid return. Beginning in March of that year and continuing today (thanks to the Corona pandemic), one-by-one our boys have exited their combined 25 years of military service to pursue civilian lives back in Iowa. And if you’re a military family, you understand that the logistics of such a transition are more than a bit tricky. We’ve been willing and blessed to have each of their families stay with us as they’ve navigated through the details of moving their belongings, securing new jobs, and finding new places to call home. Despite the obvious pains of cohabitating for extended periods of time, we’re ecstatic to have them all close again.
But here’s the thing. Having a ringside seat to witness the daily life of your son, his wife, and their kids is – well, it’s something! Mostly, it’s an uncanny reminder of the daily grind of raising kids while trying to hold your marriage together. Remember? It’s the great competition game and it’s real: Who’s the most tired? Who’s more stressed? Who gets to spend more time doing fun stuff? Whose turn is it to change the dirty diaper or get up at six in the morning with the toddler? Who works the hardest? Who disciplines the right way? Is it coming back to you yet? Like a boomerang! And it’s not a commentary on the quality of any one marriage. It’s a commentary on marriage.
As I observe the reminiscent struggles of married life with little kids, it reminds me how vital it is for young couples to work on their marriages as hard as they work on keeping their kids alive. Raising little ones is an awesome part of life. Still – and contrary to what pop culture may say – our spouse has to come first if our relationship is to survive. When Tim and I had an infant and two toddlers at home, it was super easy for chores and money and the daily grind to get all of our attention; leaving no energy or patience for each other. That’s where our adult kids are now, and it’s easy to recognize the danger of it when you’re looking in from the outside. Trust me, I’m not judging them and I don’t think they’re doing it wrong. I just think they’re exhausted…like we all were.
So, what can I do? What can you do? It’s their marriage, not ours, and it’s not our place to interfere. It’s not our job to choose sides or give unsolicited advice or exhaust them further by telling them stories of our own child-rearing days. But there are a few things we can be doing daily to support the marriages of our adult kids
3 Ways to support the marriages of our adult kids
- We can pray continually for the protection of their marriage and their desire to know and listen to Jesus. One of my favorite ways to be in prayer for my kids is to turn every worship song on the radio into a cry of my heart on their behalf. Try it, it’s a beautiful way to pray and it requires no prep!
- We can remain impartial, never taking sides. The minute they said “I do” our in-law kids became ours. Period. Let’s be honest, the kids we gave birth to aren’t any more perfect or less annoying than their spouse and treating them like it doesn’t do anything to promote unity. On our wedding day, my mother-in-law looked me square in the eye and said, “Kristi, you need to know that I will always take your side.” And she has! Not “sides” so much, but she’s the one person on the planet that loves Tim as much as I do and there isn’t anything I can say to change that. She is a gracious listener and a safe place to vent. I try to be the same for our daughters-in-law.
- Finally, we can be looking for opportunities to encourage our kids to spend time with their spouses, away from their kids. It might mean offering to watch the grandkids (such a sacrifice!) once a month or paying for a babysitter. Life gets busy and overwhelming and we can be a blessing by spending some of our own time and resources to prompt some alone time for them. Not only will it benefit their relationship, it’s really healthy for our grandkids to see their mom and dad making each other a priority and having fun together.
So, I’ve put together a little “Dicey Date Night” adventure to promote some stress-free fun for our married kids. The time they spend reconnecting with one another, away from the daily grind, could make the difference between flat-lining and thriving. In the free download below, you’ll find detailed directions and all the printables you need to put together a creative date adventure for your married kids. And it will work whether your kids live down the street or across the world!
Tim and I will be sending our married kids on their Dicey Date Nights soon and I’ll add an update for you about how it went. In the meantime, I hope you’ll join me in trying it out! I mean, what’ve we got to lose?
“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love.”
Ecclesiastes 9:9
KRISTI is the author of the Before books and coloring books for children and the Your Soul To Keep one-year prayer book for parents of adults. She writes to inspire parents and grandparents to shine the joy of Jesus into the lives of their families and to laugh without fear of the future (Proverbs 31:25). She and her husband Tim live in Iowa where they love doing life with their sons and daughters-in-law, six grandbabies, and two very spoiled dogs.