As I observed the reminiscent struggles of married life with little kids, it reminded me how vital it is for couples to work on their marriages as hard as they work on keeping their kids alive.
Our empty nest was abrupt. Welcoming our babies in rapid succession (3 sons in 4 ½ years to be exact) meant we also had a rapid evacuation, each one leaving for active duty military service soon after high school graduation. We went from the beautiful chaos of high school youth group events, basketball games, baseball games, hockey games, soccer games, show choir competitions, musicals, sleepovers, homecomings, proms, family vacations, family movie nights, and family dinners…to a lot of silence.
Now, it’s presumed that this shift to silence after raising kids is a sad thing, causing our mom-hearts to grieve. Still – and hopefully I’m not alone in feeling this way – I’m not really the kind to grieve over silence. I like it. I mean, I had so much fun raising our kids and they continue to be my world, but I adore quiet mornings, knowing that there is nothing on the calendar. I also adore seeing our boys chase God’s purpose to become independent men with families and chaos of their own.
For the first five years of our empty nest, our physical lives were really quiet. We had the emotional noise of deployments, engagements, weddings, and grandbabies…but those are stories for another day. Having the boys stationed around the country meant that we spent our vacation time traveling for a week or two at a time – Texas, Florida, Missouri, Georgia, South Dakota, Arkansas, and even Alaska – to spend time reconnecting. Such special times banking memories we’ll never forget! Still, the majority of our days were spent at home in Iowa. Just the two of us. Uneventful.
Fast forward to 2018….the beginning of their rapid return. Between 2018 and 2019, after serving collectively for 25 years – our boys began trading in their uniforms to pursue civilian life back in Iowa. If you’re a military family, you understand that navigating this transition is challenging…leaving friends who have become like family, leaving clear routine and structure, carrying the hidden (physical and emotional) wounds of service, writing a resume, finding a job, arranging the details of moving belonging, navigating health insurance, buying a house…phew! We were so blessed to have each of their families stay with us for a period of time as they worked through the ‘mess’ of it all, with only a few cohabitating-meltdowns. Okay, maybe more than a few.
But here’s the thing. Having a ringside seat to watch the daily life of your son, his wife, and their kids is – well, it’s something! Mostly, it’s an uncanny reminder of the daily grind of raising kids while trying to hold your marriage together. Remember? It’s the great competition game and it’s real: Who’s the most tired? Who’s more stressed? Who gets to spend more time doing fun stuff? Whose turn is it to change the dirty diaper or get up at six in the morning with the toddler? Who works the hardest? Who disciplines the right way? Whose parents are the most annoying! Is it coming back to you yet? Like a boomerang!
And it’s not a commentary on the quality of any one marriage. It’s a commentary on marriage.
As I observed the reminiscent struggles of married life with little kids, it reminded me how vital it is for couples to work on their marriages as hard as they work on keeping their kids alive. Raising little ones is an awesome part of life but, contrary to what our culture may say, our spouse has to come first if our relationship has any chance of survival. When Tim and I had an infant and two toddlers, it was normal for chores and money and the daily grind to get 100% of our attention; leaving no energy or patience for each other. That’s what our adult kids are experiencing right now, and it’s easy to recognize the danger of it when you’re on the outside looking in.
Trust me, I’m not judging them and I don’t think they’re doing it wrong. I just think they’re exhausted…the same way we were.
So, what can we do? It’s their marriage, not ours, and it’s not our place to interfere. It’s not our job to choose sides or to give unsolicited advice or to exhaust them further by telling them stories of our own child-rearing days. But there are a few things we can do to support the marriages of our adult kids
3 Ways we can support the marriages of our adult kids
Pray
We can pray continually for the protection of their marriage and their desire to know and listen to Jesus. One of my favorite ways to be in prayer for my kids is to turn every worship song on the radio into a cry of my heart on their behalf. Try it, it’s a beautiful way to pray and it requires no prep! Another way to be more intentional is by using Your Soul To Keep: A prayer book for praising God as you pray for your adult kids.
Be a cheerleader, not a referee
It’s so important to remain impartial, never taking sides. The minute they said “I do” our in-law kids became ours. Period. Let’s be honest, the kids we gave birth to aren’t any more perfect or less annoying than their spouse…and treating them like they are doesn’t do anything to promote unity. On our wedding day, my mother-in-law told me, “Kristi, you need to know that I will always take your side.” And she has! She’s the one person on the planet that loves Tim as much as I do and there isn’t anything I can say to change that. That makes her the perfect venting-place and I try to be the same for our daughters-in-law.
Encourage date-nights
Finally, we can look for opportunities to encourage our kids to spend time with their spouses, away from their kids. It might mean offering to watch the grandkids (such a sacrifice!) once a month or paying for a babysitter. Life gets busy and overwhelming and we can bless them by spending some of our own time and resources to prompt some alone time for them. Not only will it benefit their relationship, it’s really healthy for our grandkids to see their mom and dad making each other a priority and having fun together.
Send them on a “Dicey Date Night”
This little adventure promotes some stress-free fun for our married kids. The time they spend reconnecting with one another, away from the daily grind, could make the difference between flat-lining and thriving. In the free download below, you’ll find detailed directions and printables you need to put together a creative date adventure for them. And it will work whether your kids live down the street or across the world!
“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love.”
Ecclesiastes 9:9
KRISTI is the author of the Before books and coloring books for children and the Your Soul To Keep one-year prayer book for parents of adults. She writes to inspire parents and grandparents to shine the joy of Jesus into the lives of their families and to laugh without fear of the future (Proverbs 31:25). She and her husband Tim live in Iowa where they love doing life with their sons and daughters-in-law, six grandbabies, and two very spoiled dogs. Contact Kristi at kristi@thelaughinggrandma.com or Facebook Messenger.