7 Reasons to pray for our adult kids

Few things in life make me feel as helpless as knowing that one of my adult kids is afraid or hurt or headed in a bad direction. When they were little – whether seven or seventeen – I was physically present to manage things. When they were hurt, I could wrap them up in my arms to comfort them. When they made bad decisions, I had the authority to intervene.

Not anymore.

My role is different now. Really different.

I don’t set the agenda…or the rules. I’m no longer their primary source of emotional support.  

For twenty five years, my life was about growing responsible, kind, independent, Jesus-loving humans. Then one day, I woke up and they were grown – with grown-up jobs, wives, and babies of their own. I mean seriously, that’s how fast it happened! 

So many of the duties that once filled my days were done. So many special mom-moments became treasures of the past…never to be experienced again. And it was too late to follow through on all the noble things I “planned” to do…but never did.

It’s a transition that can put a magnifying glass on regrets and cause us to feel less significant somehow. But being the mom of adult kids is not some sort of negative consequence. It’s not a demotion. It’s the way it’s supposed to be.

And it takes more grit, more emotional stamina, more wisdom than I ever imagined. 

In so many ways, it requires more of us. More, not less. 

A few years ago, our need for grit and emotional stamina was shoved into overdrive when Tim and I learned that our son’s marriage was in crisis. We never saw it coming and the reality of it nearly broke us. Our hearts were hurt, angry, and afraid. We worried about our son, worried about our daughter-in-law and were utterly consumed by feelings of helplessness. 

All we could do was to love them, speak God’s truth…and pray.  

In fact, as humbling as it is to admit, I prayed more for their marriage in just a few days than I had in the previous months. Nothing kick-starts a prayer life faster than pain, and nothing sends you running into the arms of God quite like the sudden realization that you have absolutely no control over anything.

Years later, we find ourselves grateful for the crisis they endured. Not grateful for the pain, but for the healing. They grew stronger as individuals and as a family. And we became intensely more aware of the importance of prayer; the importance of actively surrendering our kids and our hearts to God and trusting him with the answers…whether we got what we asked for or not.

Prayer has become one of my greatest blessings. And not because it improves every circumstance around me. But because it improves everything inside me. 

It was the valleys that caused Tim and I to start meeting regularly with three other couples, who are also empty-nesters, to share the hopes, joys, and struggles of our adult kids…and to pray. Together, we’ve praised God for the mountaintops and cried out to him from the valleys: back surgeries, broken relationships, pregnancies, sick babies, lost jobs, new jobs, weddings, college graduations, substance abuse, financial hardships, and crises of faith…just to name a few.

Together, we’ve laughed and celebrated and cried. We’ve shared the burden of waiting for answers that may never come. And we’ve become completely vulnerable with our parental fears and failures…without judgement. 

Prayer isn’t magic. It isn’t a fast-track to easy days or vaccine for heartache. So why even do it? 

7 Reasons to pray for our adult kids

REASON #1: It provides needed perspective.

Life on earth is temporary. No matter what we go through, what our adult kids go through or how stressed it makes us, it’s temporary. Prayer provides a daily reminder that our limited understanding is nothing compared to the eternal wisdom and power of God. Since the world began, bad things have been happening that human minds struggle to understand. The Israelites (God’s chosen people) suffered in slavery for decades. Jesus (God’s only son) suffered a horrific death on the cross. Paul (one of the most influential leaders in establishing God’s church) was beaten and beheaded because of his faith. The list of bad things that happened to good people in the Bible, people who God loved and were created for a powerful purpose, is long.  

So then, if God’s own son and so many of his faithful servants suffered, why should we expect to be exempt from the bad stuff? Prayer whispers the answer to our hearts, reminding us that this life is temporary, that our purpose is tied to eternity, and that nothing compares to the future glory that awaits. Praying for our adult kids provides needed perspective.

 REASON #2: It is a healthy way to deal with anxiety.

Let’s face it, having adult kids (and grandkids) gives us something to worry about… ALL..THE…TIME. We worry about their health, relationships, spiritual condition, finances, careers, how they parent, how they treat their spouse…you name it! But prayer gives us a place to speak our fears, to evaluate whether or not our anxious thoughts are reasonable, to accept our need to let go of what we can’t control, and to receive supernatural peace.  

Simply speaking the truth about the things that make us anxious diminishes the power they have over us. It “gets it out” and helps us to process it instead of letting it stew in our bellies and brains. Prayer is a form of therapy that is available to every one of us, every second of every day, without cost. Most of all, it promises comfort for our minds and hope for our hearts…especially when the valleys are deep. Praying for our adult kids is a healthy way to deal with our own anxiety.

 REASON #3: It unleashes divine power.

The battles of this life require more of us than we can possibly give. In fact, the one mug-worthy saying that you will never see in my home is, “God never gives us more than we can handle.” I believe that is exactly what happens…daily. I’m not one to wrestle with the theology of where our trials come from; maybe God “gives” them to us, maybe he “allows” them, and maybe bad stuff just happens because we live in a really sinful world. 

Regardless of theology, two things are certain: God is never surprised by the events in our lives – even the most horrific. And he has divine power to fight for us when we can’t handle it on our own. Why in the world would we settle for human weapons when divine tools are available to us through prayer!

 REASON #4: It increases our faith.

When each of our three sons went through basic military training, I longed for letters that would tell us about their experiences. When our oldest son was rerouted on his way to Afghanistan, to an unknown destination, I longed for just one phone call…one email…telling us he was okay. We crave communication from our children. Maybe not when they’re toddlers, banging on the bathroom door! But when they’re grown and far from home? We crave it. God wants the same. And why? Because he created us. He loves us. And he wants us to know that he cares about the details of our lives…and that we can trust him. Completely.

He established prayer as a powerful tool of communication, between himself and the children he loves. And when we share our desires and frustrations and heartaches with our heavenly Father, then our hearts become more confident in his love for us…and our faith increases. Even when we simply sit with him in silence, in an attitude of prayer, his Spirit floods our hearts with confidence in his love  and hope for tomorrow. Praying for our adult kids increases our faith.

 REASON #5: It leads to better parenting decisions.

The process of raising kids teaches us so much. Through the years, we become more disciplined and learn to discipline, we learn to love unconditionally, manage stress, mediate conflict, and become masterful multitaskers. The job description requires it. And if we’re not careful, our human skills and abilities can give us a false sense of security, causing us to lean on our own understanding…instead of seeking God to direct our steps. 

Prayer slows us down. It causes us to think before we act and gives us time to listen for God’s direction before we do or say things we’ll regret. He will increase our wisdom every time we ask, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” And as wisdom increases, so does our ability to make better decisions about when to talk and when to be silent. When to act and when to be still. When to rescue and when to let the chips fall. 

 REASON #6: It strengthens our relationship with our kids.

Reverend John Stott said, “It is impossible to pray for someone without loving him, and impossible to go on praying for him without discovering that our love for him grows and matures.” Though we love our children from the moment they enter our lives, there are moments and maybe even years when our relationships can become strained or downright shattered. Thank you Jesus, that the gift of prayer keeps our hearts soft and our eyes focused on the best in them. Even if we have strong relationships with our adult children, it’s still very different than the days of tucking them in at night.

One of the best ways to stay connected with our adult kids is to ask one simple question…often, “How can I pray for you?” It’s a question I usually ask by text because it’s a form of communication they’re comfortable with and it gives them time to think before responding. Sometimes they respond with new information, telling me about situations or concerns we weren’t aware of before. Sometimes they share things that align beautifully with the way we’ve already been praying. Sometimes…they don’t respond at all. And it’s okay! Asking how we can pray for our kids isn’t about fishing for juicy details or guilting them into sharing. It’s simply a way to show honest interest in their needs and gain a better understanding of how to pray. Bonus? They get to share in the faith-building fun of answered prayer, and our love for one another increases.

 REASON #7: Jesus modeled it and God commands it.

If we say we love Jesus, we should also follow his example. And Jesus prayed…a lot. He prayed in solitude, with his closest friends, and in front of large groups. He prayed for himself, for others, and for God’s will to be done. He prayed for the little children who came to see him and for his disciples. And he prayed for us:

• that we will be filled with joy
• that we will be protected from evil
• that we will find purpose in God’s truth
• that we will have unity with others
• that we will spend eternity in heaven
• that we will be filled with God’s love
• that God would forgive those who caused him pain

Even Jesus, who is fully God, made time to pray for those he loved while he was on earth. Even now, Jesus petitions his Father on our behalf. Not only that, the Bible tells us that it is God’s will for us to pray without ceasing. So really, what more do we need to know?

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